Quick answer: Toxic positivity is the demand that every feeling be reframed as a good one, and it does harm by removing the option of saying what is actually happening. It is not the same as optimism. For foreigners in Italy it has a specific form, the constant reminder of how lucky you are to live here, which makes ordinary difficulty feel illegitimate and keeps people quiet for months.
Therapsy is a multilingual psychotherapy service in Italy that connects expats, international students and Italians with licensed therapists in their own language, online across the country and in person in 23 Italian cities.
Key takeaways
- Optimism looks forward while acknowledging the present. Toxic positivity denies the present. The difference is whether the difficulty is allowed to exist first.
- Suppression is not neutral: research has studied suppression and expression as distinct emotion-regulation processes in daily interactions, with different consequences.
- The expat version is “you live in Italy, what do you have to complain about”. It works as a silencer, and it usually comes from people who mean well.
- Most toxic positivity is discomfort in the listener, not malice: reframing ends the conversation faster than listening does.
- “That sounds hard” does more work than any silver lining, and it costs nothing to say.
- Therapsy works in 14 languages, and the first conversation with the Clinical Director is free with a reply within 12 hours.
What is toxic positivity?
How is it different from optimism?
Optimism says this is hard and it can get better. Toxic positivity says this is not hard, and if it feels hard you are looking at it wrong. The first leaves the problem in the room and adds hope. The second removes the problem, which also removes any route to solving it.
What does it sound like?
“Everything happens for a reason.” “At least it is not worse.” “Just focus on the good.” “Other people would love to have your problems.” Each is defensible on its own; the damage comes from using them as an answer rather than as a comment, because they close the subject.
Why do people do it?
Usually because someone else’s distress is uncomfortable and reframing ends the discomfort quickly. It is rarely cruelty. It is a listener who does not know that no solution was being requested, and who thinks silence would be worse than a silver lining.
What does it actually do?
What happens when a feeling is not allowed to be said?
It does not disappear; it loses its label and stays. People stop reporting difficulty, then stop noticing it, and it surfaces later as irritability, exhaustion or physical symptoms with no obvious cause. Suppression has been examined directly as a regulation strategy: research on suppression and expression as distinct emotion-regulation processes in daily interactions treats them as different processes with different consequences, not as two words for the same thing.
What does it cost a relationship?
The person learns not to bring things to you. That is the whole mechanism: nobody announces the decision, the topics just narrow. In couples the usual sign is not conflict but a growing list of subjects that never come up.
Is it ever self-inflicted?
Often. People apply it to themselves before anyone else gets the chance, and it sounds like “I have no right to feel like this”. That sentence is worth noticing, because it is the point at which a difficulty stops being something you can ask for help with.
Why does this hit foreigners in Italy so hard?
The “you are so lucky” problem
People who move to Italy are congratulated constantly, by friends at home and by locals. The move was also a choice, often an expensive one. Both facts make it feel indefensible to say that it is lonely, that the bureaucracy is grinding, or that the job is worse than the one you left. So nobody says it, and the difficulty runs unattended.
Why is it worse at a distance?
Calls home are short and precious, so people curate them. Admitting a bad month means worrying a parent from a thousand kilometres away, and it invites a question nobody wants, whether you should come back. So the call stays positive, which leaves the one relationship that might have helped as the one you are performing for.
What about the language?
In a second language, the tidy phrase is always easier to reach than the precise one. “It is fine” is available instantly; the sentence that describes what is really going on is not. Over months this hardens into a habit of saying less than you mean, which is toxic positivity arriving through the back door.
What helps instead?
What to say to someone who is struggling
“That sounds hard.” “Tell me more.” “Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?” The last one solves most of it, because half of bad listening is answering a question that was not asked. Silence with attention beats a silver lining.
What to do with your own feelings
Name the thing before evaluating it. Two lines are enough: what happened and what you felt, without the sentence that starts with “but at least”. The evaluation can come afterwards, and it will be better informed.
When is it worth bringing to a therapist?
When you notice you are editing yourself with everyone, when the list of subjects you avoid is growing, or when you cannot tell any more whether you are fine or just used to it. None of that requires a diagnosis. It is a reasonable thing to take to a first session, and it is a common one.
How does therapy work on it?
Largely by being a place where the reframe is not allowed. A therapist will keep returning to the feeling rather than to the interpretation of it, and for people who have spent years translating difficulty into gratitude, that is uncomfortable before it is a relief. At Therapsy the first conversation is free and happens with the Clinical Director, who proposes a therapist and explains why; you can see the network on our therapists page.
How do you start?
The practical part
Individual sessions start from EUR 70 and couple sessions from EUR 100, with the same fee online and in person; the pricing page has the full list. Sessions are available online across Italy and in person in 23 cities, and the reply to a first enquiry arrives within 12 hours.
Which language?
Your own, if this is the pattern you are working on. Therapsy works in 14 languages precisely because the sentence you are avoiding is the one that is hardest to build in a second language.
Frequently asked questions
What is toxic positivity?
It is the expectation that every feeling should be reframed as a positive one, which removes the possibility of describing a difficulty accurately. It differs from optimism, which acknowledges the difficulty and still expects improvement.
Is it wrong to look on the bright side?
No. It becomes a problem when it replaces the conversation rather than following it, and when it is offered as an answer to someone who was asking to be heard rather than advised.
How do I know if I am doing it to myself?
Listen for the sentence “I have no right to feel like this”. If it appears often, you are ruling out your own experience before anyone else has a chance to respond to it.
Why is this common among expats?
Because the move is usually a choice and is widely envied, so admitting that it is hard feels ungrateful. The result is that ordinary adjustment difficulties go unspoken for months.
Can therapy help with this?
Yes, mainly by providing a setting in which the reframe is not permitted, so the feeling has to be described before it is evaluated. It is a frequent and legitimate reason to start, with no diagnosis required.
Can I have these sessions in my own language in Italy?
Yes. Therapsy works in 14 languages, online across Italy and in person in 23 cities, and language is part of the match rather than an extra request.
